“Be The Best” Damaging Or Motivating Advice?

We are all taught right from childhood that being merely ‘okay’ isn’t enough. That we should be first in the race, not be in the ‘also ran’ category, because, of course, there is always room at the top; and that we can get there if we can only push ourselves to the maximum possible extent. And we believe this our entire lives and keep pushing ourselves more and more and more.

And when we have children, we teach them the same thing. We teach them to be the ‘top of the bunch,’ to ‘push themselves to excel in whatever they do.’ We tell them, “if you want to do something, do it the best, otherwise there is no point doing it!” We tell them, “no one remembers the second best, but no one forgets the best! So be the best!” We tell them, “It is important to be someone people look up to, and not someone who isn’t even noticed!”

But have we, even once, thought if it is really necessary to excel at everything we do? Why is it that we have this compulsion to be ‘the best’? And really, what is the harm in ‘not being the best’ but merely ‘satisfactory’? Do we, ourselves, in our lives, ever only succeed? Do we, in our own lives, only give the best, all the time? NO. And yet, we expect our children to do it.

Yes, we do it for their own good. We do it because it is important for them to strive for the moon, so that they will surely at least, reach the stars. I get it.

But what I do not get, is that none of us stop to think of the undue pressure this puts on our children. 

We fail to acknowledge how this constant need to excel has the potential to have an adverse effect on them, how it makes them feel worthless when, despite giving their best shot, they fail to make it to the top (which, truth be told, happens even to the best of us).

It isn’t easy being a child, trust me; and then to top it all off, we add unnecessary and impossible expectations to the mix; and what do we have? Vulnerable, insecure, unconfident children who are fraught with self-doubt and willing to do anything to be in the good books of parents, teachers and peers!

And no, only parents are not responsible for this. Teachers, friends and family contribute heavily too!

Schools give out badges for the best performers to motivate the children to do really good in academics and/or sports. But these same badges may have an adverse effect on those children who haven’t got the coveted marks, although, they have tried their best. Parents and family members often reward the best performing child with treats and/or toys. But do not take into consideration that while this may obviously have a negative impact on another child (a sibling or a cousin) who hasn’t done that well; it also teaches the child, that he/she is appreciated only when they have done well. Their worth is decided by how well they do at school/academics/sports/whatever is expected of them.

And really, do we want that? Do we want to raise children who think they are worthless just because they have come second and not first? Seriously, isn’t it too much to expect every single child to get a first rank? Isn’t it too much to expect every single child to be an exceptional athlete? Isn’t it too much to expect every single child to be the best painter, writer, orator, and essayist? Because, really, won’t that take away from the fact that every single child is the best child that he/she can be!

I think “be the best!” is the lamest advice anyone can give a child – anyone, that is, who intends to raise confident assured children who believe in their own worth. What we need to tell them instead, is to “be the best they can be”, to “give their best shot to everything”, to “do the best they can do”; because beyond that, really nothing is in our hands anyway!

What do you think? “Be the best!” is motivating or damaging advice to young children?